Respond with your best [41:34]

Despite our best intentions, things can get heated when we are in the midst of a conflict. The other can say things in a way that triggers us and potentially make us lose our emotional balance. When someone lashes out at us—whether in anger, disrespect, or frustration—our instinctive response is often to mirror their behavior. We may raise our voice, respond with sarcasm, or shut down emotionally.

Let us see what the Quran advises in Sura Fussilat, verse 34:

ادْفَعْ بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ فَإِذَا الَّذِي بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَهُ عَدَاوَةٌ كَأَنَّهُ وَلِيٌّ حَمِيمٌ

[41:34] Repel (evil) with what is best, when lo! he between whom and you was enmity would be as if he were a warm friend.

This verse from the Quran challenges us to rise above reactive behavior and instead respond from our own set of values. Instead of retaliating when provoked, we are encouraged to pause, stay grounded in our principles, and choose a response that aligns with our moral and spiritual compass.

The Trap of Mirroring Negative Behavior

When someone is triggered, angry, or acting out, they are often in an emotionally flooded state—unable to think clearly or regulate their reactions. If we mirror their behavior—meeting anger with anger, or contempt with contempt—the situation only escalates further.

 Imagine a fire spreading—throwing fuel on it will only make it burn hotter. However, if we can pause, detach from the emotional charge, and respond with calmness and wisdom, we interrupt the cycle of negativity.

 Responding with calm does not mean we tolerate abuse of course. It means we choose our response based on our values, rather than reacting impulsively. And that response can include taking steps to protect ourselves.

The Power of Responding from Our Values

Islam teaches that true strength is not in overpowering others but in mastering our own reactions. Scholars note that this verse in Surah Fussilat does not specify what kind of “evil” to repel—leaving it open-ended. This means that in different situations, we may:

•  Repel anger with patience.
  ·      Repel hostility with wisdom.
  ·      Repel ignorance with knowledge.
  ·      Repel negativity with calmness.
  ·      Repel aggression with dignity.

By responding from an evolved state rather than someone else's emotional state, we achieve at least three things:

1.  At the very least, we prevent the situation from getting worse.
2. More often than not, we inspire the other person to soften and reflect on their actions.
3.  We inspire them with our conduct and leave the space open for their friendship. When we consistently choose a better response, enmity can transform into friendship.

One of the most powerful examples of this principle comes from the life of the Holy Prophet (saw).

In Makkah, a woman used to throw garbage at the Prophet (saw) every time he passed by her house. Day after day, she hurled insults and waste at him, yet he never retaliated.

Then, one day, the attacks stopped. Instead of celebrating her absence, the Prophet (saw) became concerned and inquired about her well-being. Upon learning that she had fallen ill, he went to visit her and offer his help.

This profound act of kindness shook the woman to her core. She had expected retaliation or hatred, but instead, she encountered compassion and dignity. Seeing his unwavering character, she accepted Islam.

The takeaway from this is that staying true to our values, we break the cycle of hostility and often open doors for transformation.

How Can We Apply This in Our Own Lives?

1. Pause Before Reacting

o   When faced with an attack, ask: “What kind of response aligns with my values?”

o   “Will this reaction make the situation better or worse?”

o   This simple pause creates space for intentional responses rather than emotional reactions.

2. Use the Gifts Allah Has Given Us
   We have been gifted with:

o   Imagination – Can I imagine myself rising above this situation?

o   Self-control – Am I capable of holding back words I might later regret?

o   Willpower – Can I choose a response that aligns with my principles?

o   Conscience – Does my reaction reflect my best self?

3. Separate the Person from the Behavior

o   Recognize that a triggered person is not their worst moment.

o   Just as we hope others forgive our bad moments, we can offer the same grace.

4. Reframe the Situation

o   Instead of thinking “They are attacking me,” shift to “They must be in pain to behave this way.”

o   Instead of thinking “I need to put them in their place,” shift to “What response will lead to the best long-term outcome?”

5. Make Du’a for Strength

o   In Du‘ā Makārimul Akhlāq, Imam Zaynul ‘Ābidīn (as) teaches us to pray for this strength:

“O God… help me to answer him who is dishonest toward me with good counsel, repay him who separates from me with gentle devotion, reward him who deprives me with free giving, recompense him who cuts me off with joining relations to him.” (Du‘ā No. 20, passage 9)

Who Do We Want to Be?

• Do we let other people’s behavior dictate who we become, or do we stay grounded in our values?
• Do we escalate conflict by responding with anger, or do we break the cycle with wisdom?
• Are we choosing our reactions based on our emotions or our principles?

Here is the thing to remember: When we respond from our values, we will feel better about ourselves. When the heat of the moment passes, we will be at peace with how we responded. In a situation when we compromise our own set of norms and values and mirror their behaviour, we are left feeling guilty and remorseful – not fun!!
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Wishing you a day full of spiritual fulfillment, positivity, purpose and peace.