The Cost of Holding On [42:40]

Yesterday we reflected on verse 42:40 and talked about “aslaha” making amends with others which is an important aspect of making things right with Allah [swt] as He cannot forgive what is owed to other human beings. 

Let us revisit the verse from yesterday:

وَجَزَاء سَيِّئَةٍ سَيِّئَةٌ مِّثْلُهَا فَمَنْ عَفَا وَأَصْلَحَ فَأَجْرُهُ عَلَى اللَّهِ إِنَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ الظَّالِمِينَ 

[42:40] And the recompense of evil is punishment like it, but whoever forgives and amends, he shall have his reward from Allah; surely He does not love the unjust.

Before aslaha [making amends] the verse talks about “afa” whoever forgives. 

Forgiveness is a very broad topic and we will only touch on it briefly, Inshallah in an effort to support ourselves in letting go and putting down any resentments that we have been carrying before this blessed month is over.

So someone did you wrong and hurt you. Perhaps they apologized or perhaps they never apologized at all. In either case, you cannot let it go. In your mind you rehearse what happened. You feel the injury fresh. You find them living, as it has been said, rent-free in your head and heart, occupying space that belongs to your connection with Allah, your presence with the people you love, your ability to receive what this month is offering.

This verse calls the attention of all those who have been in this situation. 

Notice how the verse is constructed. It does not begin with "be bigger than this" or "let it go." It begins by acknowledging your right fully and without apology: a wrong was done, and an equivalent response is permitted. You are allowed to demand recompense for the evil that was committed. The verses that follow even affirm that those who defend themselves after being wronged bear no blame (42:41). Islam is not asking you to pretend that it was okay. It is not Christianity's "turn the other cheek". It is honest, and clear about the reality of harm.

[It is also important to mention briefly here that it also teaches us how not to minimize harm and oppression suffered by others by using “positive thinking” on them or minimizing the harm that they have suffered] 

Allah [swt] is validating what happened to you. And how deeply human beings need that validation before they can even consider what comes next.

And then it says: but whoever pardons and makes reconciliation, his reward is with Allah. Afu, forgiveness is presented as a choice, not a commandment. This is important because so many of us get stuck in resentment precisely because we feel we are being forced to move on before the harm has been acknowledged. The Quran does not do that. It acknowledges the harm first. Then it offers the choice.

Before we go any further, let us be precise about what that choice actually is, because forgiveness is so often misunderstood.

Forgiveness is not pretending the harm didn't happen. It is not excusing what was done or declaring it acceptable. It is not reconciliation because you can forgive someone fully and still end the relationship [not blood relationships which are a whole different story!] and still protect yourself. Forgiveness does not require the other person to know it has happened, or to deserve it, or even to still be alive. It is not something you do for them at all.

So what is it then?

Psychologists describe forgiveness as an intentional and voluntary inner process: changing your own orientation toward an offense, releasing the negative emotions, the resentment, the wish for punishment, the rehearsed grievance - even when holding onto them would be morally justified. 

Forgiveness is, by that definition, one of the most difficult things a human heart can undertake. It is the opposite of weakness. This is why Quran a few verses later, calls it "these most surely are actions requiring courage" (42:43).

The most obvious question arises: if it is so hard, and if I am within my rights not to, then why do it?

Let’s talk about the cost of holding onto grudges today and tomorrow Inshallah we will discuss the motivation that Allah [swt] gives us. 

What resentment is doing to you?

When we hold a grievance, we believe we are holding something against the person who wronged us. But the weight lives in us, in our own hearts, our own sleep, our own prayers. The person who hurt you may not even remember or know what they have done, they may not care or they may have moved on entirely. They may not think of you at all. Meanwhile the story of what they did is playing on a loop in your head and your heart, taking up room that belongs to Allah.

Do you know what I mean?

The Arabic tradition names this condition with a precision the English word "resentment" cannot match. Bughd is the active aversion you feel when you think of the person — the heart turning away in hostility every time they enter your mind. Hiqd is something more deliberate: the act of keeping the grudge alive, returning to it, nursing it. And ghill is what happens when you have been doing that long enough so that it seeps in and becomes structural, part of how your heart is oriented toward the world, no longer a response to one person but a condition of the heart itself. In other words it is the state of a heart that has been poisoned by resentment to the extent that the entire experience of being alive is impacted. 

In Surah al-Araf, it describes the people of Paradise entering their final state only after Allah removes whatever ghill remains in their chests: "We will remove whatever ghill is in their chests, brothers, facing one another on thrones" (7:43). Even the believers who enter Paradise need it extracted before they can fully inhabit that peace. In other words, ghill is incompatible with the heart's fullest flourishing and when not addressed early on, becomes so settled that it needs Allah [swt]'s own intervention to lift out.

In Surah al-Hashr, the believers actively pray: 

وَالَّذِينَ جَاؤُوا مِن بَعْدِهِمْ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا الَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِالْإِيمَانِ وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّا لِّلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا رَبَّنَا إِنَّكَ رَؤُوفٌ رَّحِيمٌ 

[59:10] And those who come after them say: Our Lord! forgive us and those of our brethren who had precedence of us in faith, and do not allow any spite to remain in our hearts towards those who believe, our Lord! surely Thou art Kind, Merciful.

We might ask ourselves: can we be fully receptive to what Ramadan and Laylat al-Qadr are offering if our hearts are occupied in this way? Holding onto resentment, it is said, is like drinking poison and hoping it will harm your enemy. The one who suffers is always the one holding the cup of poison of poison.

The Holy Prophet (saw) was asked about the best character of this world and the next. His answer: "Forgive one who wrongs you. Keep relations with one who cuts you off. Do good to one who does evil to you. Give to one who denies you." This is exactly what we prayed for during in the nights of Qadr in Dua Makaram Akhlaq and it is the akhlaq of the most beloved of God because the one who practices this has chosen not to be shaped by what was done to them. They have chosen to be shaped by something higher. To live by their own values rather than in reaction to someone else's actions. To rewrite their story from victim to hero. These are, as the Quran says, acts of courage. And they are also the secret to mental and emotional wellbeing in this world. 

For reflection:

• Is there someone whose wrongdoing you are still carrying and are you aware of what it is costing you?  
• What are some myths about forgiveness that are stopping you? 

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